Mobile Friendly Online Cannabis

Now you can access White Palm on Your Phone in touch!

HERE’S HOW ON iPhone

1. Go to Safari

2. Click the share icon on the footer

3. Select Add to Home screen

4. Click save

5. BAMM you got it

SUPPORTING CRAFT CANNABIS THROUGH INDEPENDENT BRANDS. REPRESENTING
COMMUNITIES FROM NELSON, BC TO THE SUNSHINE COAST, WHERE THE CRAFT OF
PERFECTING CANNABIS HAS BEEN A LIFESTYLE FOR DECADES.

LEARN MORE ABOUT US

HERE’S HOW on Android

HOW TO GET FREE WEED WITH A FEW CLICKS

We know we know it seems like click bait…and in the most literal sense it is infact. You see we are baiting you to click, but it’s not all pled in vain. You click and you win and we grow our community and get more kickass flowers and we all get on the winning team. This isn’t some Michael Phelps Shark Week hogwash either. This is the real deal Holyfield. It’s so easy!

HERE’S HOW THE CONTEST WORKS

***A successful referral only counts once the they have been approved and successfully completed an order***

SUPPORTING CRAFT CANNABIS THROUGH INDEPENDENT BRANDS. REPRESENTING
COMMUNITIES FROM NELSON, BC TO THE SUNSHINE COAST, WHERE THE CRAFT OF
PERFECTING CANNABIS HAS BEEN A LIFESTYLE FOR DECADES.

LEARN MORE ABOUT US

INVITE 10 FRIENDS: ($250 VALUE)

The contest will run to the end of August 2017. Invite 10 friends and you’ll win a half ounce of flower OR 3 grams of shatter. On top of that $10 store credit per friend. Plus each friend you invite and signs up gets their own $10 store credit. See details below.

INVITE 25 FRIENDS: ($500 VALUE)

The contest will run to the end of August 2017. Invite 25 friends and you’ll win a full ounce of flower OR 7 grams of shatter. On top of that $10 store credit per friend. Plus each friend you invite and signs up gets their own $10 store credit. See details below.

INVITE 50 FRIENDS: ($1250 VALUE)

The contest will run to the end of August 2017. Invite 50 friends and you’ll win a 2 full ounces of flower OR 14 grams of shatter. On top of that $10 store credit per friend. Plus each friend you invite and signs up gets their own $10 store credit.

NOTE: You will still earn your $10 credits for each friend you invite once they complete their first order and they will still receive $10 off their first purchase. All friends must purchase within a 30 day period from day of their sign up to use their store credits.

A FEW CLICKS AND FREE WEED IS YOURS

10 Awesome Things To-Do When High

There’s a lot of things you can do when you’re high on amazing cannabis products that make for amazing life experiences. We’re not talking a light hit off a joint either. Like “Yeah, I’m high” or whatever your high guy or gal voice sounds like and says… Generally we develop certain behaviours when enjoying cannabis and stick with what works… but have you tried to do something that you don’t normally do when lit?  Well here’s a  of 10 Awesome Things To-Do When High…. a rundown of some productive and positive things to do after or during you enjoy your favourite cannabis products.

Clean Your Home

I know it doesn’t sound super fun, but once you re-arrange your shit and clean the backsplash of your sink you’re gonna feel like a million bucks. You’ll get to every nook and cranny and take care of business. Your whole setup will be looking fly. An organized environment makes for organized thoughts – DO IT.

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/lemon-lime/

 

Go for a Walk/Run in Nature

Get the f#ck outside. The air’s fresher and you’re mind and body get all stimulated. It’s a time to clear your mind and get back to nature. Have some quiet time for yourself or do it with a friend or partner. It’s a great way to reset your mind and chill the heck out.

Product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/og-kush-nwc/

Go Grocery Shopping

Head to your supermarket or farmers market and stock your place with awesome food. Don’t bee line to the chip aisle – skip that. Start with the produce. Get fruits and vegetables that you don’t have too often, but actually like. Try and get your cart as preservative free as you can. Get that recipe out and grab all that is needed. DON’T GRAB JUNK!

Cannabis is here to better your mind and body, junk is there to clog your arteries.

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/greasy-pink-bubba/

Design a Unique Recipe

Make a dish you haven’t made before or just make your favourite dish but add your own personal touch. Get creative! Add some marijuana to that dish and make it into a delicious weed edible meal. Try something that is more complex than your normal meal preparation but not too next level because you when you’re feeling yourself due to the premium cannabis you just smoked, you don’t want to be disappointed with your food. Try and find someone making it on YouTube if it’s something you feel is challenging. If one of our members is a YouTuber who makes delicious cannabis infused meals please email us. You’ll be so proud once you knock that down! Make a little bit extra so you can enjoy when you’ve got that craving again.

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/south-coast-supercritical-refill-cartridge-shiva-73-thc/

Give and Get Love

Get together with your partner and enjoy an aphrodisiac cannabis product. Do it differently. Do it elsewhere. All your senses will be heighten and you can double down on the pleasure boat. Smoke another one and pass the heck out.

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/south-coast-supercritical-refill-cartridge-wifi-og-89-thc/

Watch a Comedian

Perspective is everything so why not hear someone else’s with some comic relief. Laughing gets the happy sensors going so best embrace the shit out of it. There’s a lotta funny folks out there, we say try out Patrice O’Neil – Elephant in the Room…he’s the guy Bill Burr always admired. Norm MacDonald has some classic shit too, check out his Netflix Special

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/blue-coma/

Listen to Some Jams

Not sure what to listen to? Fortunately recommendations on whichever platform you prefer (Spotify, Apple Music, etc.) are pretty reliable. Start with what you like and get lost in the jams or simply follow the weed and venture into a musical genre you have never explored.

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/green-gold-shatter-sample-pack/

Stargaze

Look up! Way, way, way up. Is that the Milky Way? Is that the Big Dipper? Sure is. Lose yourself in the stars for a bit. Marvel at it’s magic and all the unknowns. Keep your eyes open for that shooting star and possible an alien race named Romulan ;)

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/romulan/

Hit The Gym

That’s right get your fitness on. Pick a muscle group you want to work on. Not chest and bi-ceps! Go for the less obvious. Work your hammies and delts, drink some water and stretch the eff out. You’ll thank yourself after. You could even take a small smoke break in the middle of your workout. Head to the sauna and a cold shower right after too!

Cannabis product recommendation:
https://getwhitepalm.com/product/kootenay-fresh-pink-bubble-hash/

Do Something Creative

Try your hand at drawing, creative writing or pick up an instrument and jam out. It might not work at all and you could end up with a hunk of crap you made, but the process will be fun and it’s not a crime to execute a goal with not perfect precision. Get silly.

Cannabis product recommendation:

https://getwhitepalm.com/product/gods-own-concentrates-sample-pack/

 

 

The Brutal Reality of Buying Weed Online in Canada | 12 Month Case Study 2017

 

The Raw Findings of a 12 Month Long Case Study

Times are changing and it feels like warp speed for Canadians that buy weed online. With everyone trying to move forward at such a rapid pace some brutal gaps are becoming glaringly apparent. For us here at WhitePalm it has now been 12 months of trying to support our community in order for them to receive the medicine they need and we have learned a LOT, it’s literally been a 12 month case study.

CANADIAN CANNABIS INDUSTRY SUPPLY CHAIN
IS INADEQUATE OR INCONSISTENT

Weed Online Canada… Dispensaries are fighting the fear of getting shut down every day and that type of mentality has created an extremely short-term focus for these companies were corners are continually cut. What is available today is not tomorrow and the consistency in the product varies so much, it leads many to wonder about the supply chain these displaseraries have in place. The disregard or willingness to swap a strain in and out for today’s sales while not looking at the bigger picture, to ensure your patients satisfaction everyday. The idea that all strains are produced equally, could not be further from the truth in the cannabis industry.

The other sides of the coin has licensed producers being vertically integrated and one would assume that this would yield us a premium product. The unfortunate truth behind this is your growing skills did not determine whether you become a licensed producer or not. It was suit and ties of the financial district who believed growing weed is a simple task. Today’s the online buzz in Canada would state the counter to the green assumption made by these business folks… or fools. Whether the LP product is completely shwag or not they’re are dealing with some serious stigma around product quality and consistency.

There is plenty of documented incidence that reinforce the reality of the dilemma of LP’s.

JUST LIKE THE WINE INDUSTRY – A MERLOT IS NO DIFFERENT THAN AN OG KUSH…
IT CAN BE PRODUCED BY MANY DIFFERENT BRANDS AND THEREFORE FLEX DIFFERENT QUALITY.

 

 

Our reality as a cannabis consumers is very similar to that of the wine consumer, an OG Kush is just like a merlot, you can purchase a very different product from two brands. One brand is located in the north of Italy and runs you a couple hundred dollars while the other brand is from Mexico and can be bought for dollars.

While cannabis extracts have emerged with some accountability due to the branding of vape pens and shatter, little to no accountability exists around cannabis flowers. Online dispensaries are not growers, therefore the brand representing the product becomes the websites when it should be represented by the grower. The grower is the one who prides himself or herself on creating the best product and does not have conflicting interest when it come to selling the product to the end user. If the grower is not proud to claim the flower as theirs then why the hell are you buying it?

WHITEPALM’S ACTIONS AFTER
1 YEAR OF HANDS-ON LEARNING FOR BUYING WEED ONLINE CANADA.

hands holding marijuana plant

STEP 1 – BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH KEY LOCAL GROWER COMMUNITIES.

After seeing this situation emerge and continually talking to our community we set out to established a solution to the problem. We chatted with key cannabis enthusiast that believed in the the philosophy of “Microcannabis” (craft production of cannabis): the details matter, small batch, independent, supporting local growers communities and pure product.

You can learn more about Microcannabis here and we’ve worked with BC’s best growers to bring forth a new experience for ordering weed online.

STEP 2 – UPDATED OUR SITE TO SUPPORT OUR NEW PARTNERS – WITH A FOCUS ON ACCOUNTABILITY

Our cannabis marketplace has an array of different price points and every flower or extract is now represented by a different brands.

Check out our new flower page, that now shows who each flower is from and when certain flowers will be restocked. We now have 2 OG Kush flowers on our sites with different prices, we have 2 Blue Dreams with different prices, some in stock some restocking but one OG Kush flower will never represent another.

Cannabis Vendor product page

Check out our cannabis brands page, you can quickly see what is newly available to our community or follow a brand’s updates on your favourite product re-stocks.

Our brand page that now has reviews for the brands – which you can earn loyalty points for leaving reviews. You can share your overall experience about a company or read reviews of what other saying about a new product or brand. Please share any feedback you might have.


STEP 3 – PRICING – STANDARD MARKUP –  DIRECTLY FROM THE GROWER.

Our pricing model is now no different than that of Whole Foods, standard markup on all products. No fluff or B.S. If a grower believes his cannabis product supports a premium price points because he runs extremely small batch, detailed growing process then his price can reflect that.  If the community loves a product or doesn’t believe the product speaks to the price, the grower will have responsibility as the product should speak for itself. Overall this  conversation and new direct relationships has recently brought prices down by 15-25% to ensure you receive the best value for the weed you order online.

We have broken are growers into 3 general classification – premium exotics, boutique and commercial grade.

MEET LEADERS OF THE CRAFT CANNABIS MOVEMENT

SOUTH COAST

The Sunshine Coast is the most ideal place to grow and produce the best Cannabis products in the world. South Coast are the leaders in Full Profile flowers and extracts.

One of the most important factors in the production of clean concentrates is the growing conditions of the parent Cannabis plant. Being that we are located on the Sunshine Coast of British Columbia, our plants thrive without the need of pesticides and fungicides. Our all-natural plants are of the highest quality.

CHECK OUT: Gorilla Glue #4

KOOTENAY FIRE

Kootenay Fire prides ourselves in being a sustainable, indoor-grown cannabis brand that embraces British Columbia’s values and adventurous motives. We focus on small-batch flowers and masterfully crafted hashish.

CHECK OUT: Hempstar

THE SOURCE (Called Zero Ave. right now)

The names of top marijuana growers are heavily-guarded secrets both in the United States and abroad so it is our pleasure to introduce you to one of them!

CHECK OUT: BLUE COMA

YOU WILL SOON BE ABLE TP ORDER SAMPLE PACKS FROM EACH VENDOR
STAY TUNED WE HAVE SOME EXCITING THINGS PLANNED FOR YOU. THANK YOU FOR MAKING OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY A REALITY! Weed Online Canada.

20% OFF THESE FLOWERS THIS LONG WEEKEND ONLY

Weekends are made for relaxing and enjoyment. It’s time to unwind and let all those concerns slip away. Summer is upon us and this is the jump off here for a sunny daze. To celebrate this long weekend we’re given 20%! off the following flowers until Monday Midnight. COUPON CODE: LONGWKND

GOD’S GIFT

KINGS CROSS

TRAINWRECK

DEATH BUBBA

Death Bubba

PURPLE URKLE

What the Heck are Terpenes!?

What the heck are Terpenes and how do they affect the make-up of cannabis products?

Well, simply put Terpenes engage with the endocannabinoid system much like cannabinoids.  They can also affect neurotransmissions to the brain. Understandings this provides an explanation of why there is a variance of strains that carry different aromas and taste, but also contribute to the mood and the sensation that a strain delivers overall.

Over one hundred known terpenes are present in cannabis and they are not only found in cannabis. Which explains why strains have unique properties and why some strains share similar attributes.

This diagram shows how they arrive in some strains:

jXSS0pS1Sw2p2eq176GL_Leafly-Cannabis-Terpene-Wheel-Infographic

These 3 Gods Own Concentrate Shatter varieties are fully loaded with terps, meaning that your high will be ENHANCED.

OG Kush | Lemon Haze | Chronic Mint

Some of the most common terpenes are….

Myrcene

Myrcene is the most common terpene in marijuana strains (up to 60% of the essential oils of certain varieties) however, it is not found in hemp textiles. It is also found in large quantities in hops or in the West Indian wood (Saint Thomas Bay). Its smell is very similar to cloves (girofle). Myrcene is a potent analgesic, anti-inflammatory and antibiotic. It blocks the action of cytochrome, aflatoxin B, and other pro-mutagenic carcinogens. It also has a relaxing, calming, anti spasmodic and sedative effect. Acting in synergy with THC, myrcene increases its psychoactive potential.

Limonene

Limonene is often the second, third or fourth terpene found in cannabis resin. This family of terpenes produces the typical smell we all recognise as citrus. Limonene has anti fungal and anti bacterial properties and is also anticarcinogenic. It prevents the detioration of the RAS gene, one of the factors that contribute to the development of tumors. It also protects against Aspergillus and carcinogens present in smoke. Limonene quickly and easily penetrates the blood-brain barrier, which increases systolic pressure. During testing on the effects of limonene, participants experienced an increase in attention, mental focus, well-being and even sex drive. Limonene is used sometimes in spray form, to treat depression and anxiety. It also has the effect of reducing the unpleasantness of gastric acid and stimulates the immune system. Plants use limonenes to ward off predators; for example, it repells flies like any insecticide.

Caryophyllene

Caryophyllene can be found in various herbs and spices, particularly in black pepper, which contributes to the spicy flavour. It is a local anti inflammatory and analgesic, and one of the active ingredients of the clove (Giroflé). It is an efficient remedy to relieve toothache. It also has anti fungal properties. This terpene has the particularity of selectively activate the cannabinoid 2 receptors (CB2), while it is not a cannabinoid. This discovery opens the door to many possibilities in medicinal research.

Pinene

Pinene is responsible for the familiar smell associated with pine and fir trees, and to be more precise, its resin. It is the main ingredient of the essence of turpentine. It is present also in many plants such as Sage or Rosemary. Pinene is used in medicine as an expectorant, bronchodilator, anti inflammatory and local antiseptic. It also crosses the hemato encaphalic barrier very easily, where it acts as an inhibitor of acetylcolynesterasics, preventing the destruction of molecules responsible for the transmission of information, which results in memory improvement. It is largely due to the presence of pinenes that Rosemary and Sage have been considered to be beneficial plants during thousands of years of traditional medicine. This terpene ca, in part, counteract the effects of THC, which leads to a decrease in the acetylcholine levels. The result is that the memory fails more with pure THC than with THC mixed with pinene. Skunk strains are, for example, recognised for their high levels of pinenes. Because this produces a bronco dilator effect, the smoke of plants rich in pinene give the sensation of sucking more air, which can cause hyperventilation or sometimes cough. Pinene also improves concentration, personal satisfaction and energy, but it may be limited by the effects of the terpinol.

Terpineol

Terpineol smells of lilac, crabapple blossoms and lime blossoms. During tests on mice, their mobility was reduced to 45%. This explains the sedative effect of some marijuana strains. Terpineol is often found in strains that have a high level of pinenes, the aromas of which can hide the smell of terpineol.

Myrcene

Myrcene is the most common terpene in marijuana strains (up to 60% of the essential oils of certain varieties) however, it is not found in hemp textiles. It is also found in large quantities in hops or in the West Indian wood (Saint Thomas Bay). Its smell is very similar to cloves (girofle). Myrcene is a potent analgesic, anti-inflammatory and antibiotic. It blocks the action of cytochrome, aflatoxin B, and other pro-mutagenic carcinogens. It also has a relaxing, calming, anti spasmodic and sedative effect. Acting in synergy with THC, myrcene increases its psychoactive potential.

Borneol

Borneol has  aroma of mint and camphor. It is used in Chinese medicine against fatigue, stress, or to recover from illness. The Super Silver Haze Marijuana strain from Sensi seeds is known for its camphor aromas, and its effect is both relaxing and psychedelic. Hence, we can suppose that it contains a good amount of borneol.

Linalool

Linalool has a floral smell like lavender and spring flowers. Humans are able to smell it at very low levels, from 1 PPM in air. Linalool is currently used in the treatment of various cancers. It also has a powerful calming action, anti anxiety, and produces a sedative effect. In tests on mice it was discovered that their activity decreased by 75%. Linalool is thus partly responsible for the sedative effects of certain marijuana strains. It also has analgesic and anti-epileptic properties.

Eucalyptol

Eucalyptol (also called 1,8-cineol) is the main ingredient of eucalyptus essential oil. It has the characteristic minty smell of this tree and is also found in small amounts in marijuana. Its effects relieve pain and improve concentration and inner balance. Plants containing eucalyptol enhance meditation and concentration.

Nerolidol

Nerolidol, with woody and fresh bark aromas, can be found in ginger, niaouli and citronella. It has anti fungal, anti leishmaniasis and anti-malarial properties. It also produces a sedative effect.

Also, this video from Leafly gives a nice little overview of Terpenes. Which reminds us that you can now find us on Leafly – tell a friend!

The Landscape of the Legalization of Marijuana

Canada is well on it’s way to legalizing recreational marijuana throughout the nation making us the second country in the world to do so. Uruguay was the first nation to legalize pot several years ago. Such a bold moves on the world stage will surely have an impact on other countries most likely starting with the US.

In 2012 Colorado voters pushed for legalized marijuana and got it. It became the first region in the world to do so and introduce taxes on weed like they do with liquor. To date, nearly 30 states have some medical marijuana law and in November eight states legalized marijuana for adults.

Canada will be in a good position to set up a lucrative export business, as populous countries like Germany have legalized medical marijuana as a nation and others consider relaxing their laws. According to Arcview, North Americans spent $6.7 billion on legal pot in 2016, up more than 30% from the year before. The end result of Canada pushing forth legalization gives the land of the free an upper hand on trepidatious countries who are sluggishly rolling various regulatory provisions. This has led to a hearty injection of activity on the markets as investors know the flight path appears to be set for high flying action for the cannabis industry. As much as the US had show progress that point to an inevitable legalization full board, the federal government still treats marijuana as an illicit substance much like cocaine or heroin.

Canada will be in a good position to set up a lucrative export business, as populous countries like Germany have legalized medical marijuana as a nation and others consider relaxing their laws. According to Arcview, North Americans spent $6.7 billion on legal pot in 2016, up more than 30% from the year before. The end result of Canada pushing forth legalization gives the land of the free an upper hand on trepidatious countries who are sluggishly rolling various regulatory provisions. This has led to a hearty injection of activity on the markets as investors know the flight path appears to be set for high flying action for the cannabis industry. As much as the US had show progress that point to an inevitable legalization full board, the federal government still treats marijuana as an illicit substance much like cocaine or heroin. The learnings that Canada will likely earn while setting up the market — like dealing with provinces that border the US — will be ones that the US , just as states like Oregon and Washington have had the benefit of learning from Colorado. Canada’s own recreational marijuana task force consulted with Colorado and Washington to get ready for legalization “If a nation like Canada approves it, sets up a regimen, provides a living laboratory of people right across the border that are a lot like us, it might help change the perceptions of some skeptics,” says the Oregon congressman. “But what is most compelling is the experience people have in their own lives and families.”

FREE SMOKE – INVITE FRIENDS AND GET MONEY BACK!

Here at Whitepalm we’re always looking at ways to make a better user experience for our beloved members. Not just because we are a business, but also because we are genuine advocates and we need power in numbers to make change. Not too long ago we introduced a point system so we could give something back to you as we grow and you continue to enjoy our quality selection of bud and extracts. So we thought what else can we do to keep the team spirit alive and thriving… and then it came to us.

You like weed right? You probably have friends that do too. So we designed a system that allows for you to invite your friends to jump the cue AND get some loot back into your pocket and theirs.

Starting right now, when you invite a friend to join Whitepalm you will receive a $10 credit into your account once that friend has made their first order. Additionally, they will also get $10 off their first order. The best thing is that there is no limit to how many friends you can invite. You could be getting free weed all the time by sharing the love with your friends.

Here’s how it works…

1. Login to your “MY ACCOUNT”

Screen Shot 2017-04-10 at 10.34.59 AM

2. FIND YOUR WAY TO “INVITE FRIENDS”. You can share through your social media pages or simply put their email into the text box. This generates a unique tracking code for your account to make sure you get credit

Screen Shot 2017-04-10 at 10.39.07 AM


GWP 234

3. YOUR FRIEND GETS AN EMAIL OR THEY CLICK ON THE IMAGE THAT’S SHARED TO THEIR NEWS FEED

GWP EMAIL


Screen Shot 2017-04-10 at 11.40.51 AM

4. YOUR FRIEND IS THEN REDIRECTED TO THE WHITEPALM SIGN UP PAGE.

GWP SHARON SMITH

5. SHARE THE WEALTH.

via GIPHY

Ode to Dude Chilling Park

Michael Dennis’ “Reclining Figure” is the unofficial mascot for Westcoast ethos. The wooden statue, located in Vancouver’s Guelph Park, is a jaunty but unquestionably relaxed fellow made out of wood. He embodies the pose of so many people who flock to the West, simply so they can sprawl around him at 2 p.m. on any given Tuesday. Or on any day when the sun is out.

Guelph Park was famously renamed after prankster artist Viktor Briestensky erected a replica Parks Board sign that read Dude Chilling Park. After the city took it down – totally not chill – a petition was launched locals fought to get it back. And they did! The park is now widely (thought not officially) known as Dude Chilling Park.

It’s a heartwarming story about what happens when a neighbourhood bands together to fight for something they truly believe in: the privilege to forever be associated with the being the chillest place on earth. Put that on a map.

There’s an unspoken acceptance that the West, championed by Vancouver, is a region where chilling, as oppose to the opposite of chilling, is top of mind. It’s not the type of place where you go to work, then an after-work function, where you talk about work, then go home to do more work, and then do it all the next day.

Naw, the West lives and yearns for its downtime – it’s a driving force in the collective Westcoast psyche. And while that may give the impression that we’re lazy or inefficient, that’s not the case at all. How can we continually top Most Livable Cities lists if we’re couch-bound sloth-heads? We’re certainly getting something right.

Yes, shit gets done, but we don’t care to let that define us. We’d prefer not to come across as stuffy or stain. Leave that to Toronto. Productivity is a force, sure, but it’s also an afterthought. What drives us is a quality of life and a quality of living. And that quality factors largely on how we spend our downtime – usually outside, sprawled out somewhere where the sun can find us.

This is why we embrace and even fight for our reputation as down-time-loving folk. Because if we’re going to be known for one thing, it might as well be our passion for unwinding, and hopefully inspiring others to get on board.

The Basic-ness of Being Busy

“Oh man, I’m just so busy,” a casual acquaintance replies to your polite but somewhat disinterested inquiry as to how things are going. 

Ugh.

It’s truly remarkable this overachiever was able to get away from responding to hundreds of undoubtedly pressing emails to simultaneously acknowledge you while try to make you feel like a pathetic failure at life. What a multitasker.

This oft-made remark is always delivered by those benefiting from an economy that is slowly bleeding out—a lame justification of one’s existence to stave off a trip out back behind the barn. “How could the business possibly survive without me? I’m just so busy!”

You certainly know the type. Despite having virtually no employable skills, this person gets a decent salary with benefits for merely showing up at their one job and sitting at a desk all day. Sure they may be there until, gasp, 6 p.m. on some occasions, but they’re not actually doing anything. When the economy eventually collapses, these people will be the first in the soup line. And when the apocalypse happens shortly thereafter, these people will be the first to get eaten.

Christ, what the hell does this basic even do again? Project management, marketing, or communications for some shitty app that’ll never launch? According to their Twitter bio they’re a social media proselytizer who’s passionate about food, wine, and the outdoors—it’s also careful to note that their vanilla opinions are they’re own and retweets, which are mostly links to listicles, are not, in fact, endorsements. Telling you how busy they are is the most interesting thing they’ll do all week.

The truth is they’re really not very busy, and if they are it’s probably due to their own incompetence. Unless you have a plum gig contributing to an artisanal weed blog, you really have no business dropping how busy you are in casual conversation. (Seriously, it was agony to bang out 600 words out on the topic of self-identifying busybodies.)

People who are actually busy never proclaim it. They’ll tell you they’re tired or exhausted. That’s the surefire way to tell the difference between the legitimately busy people and the fakers who are trying to show off some weird metrics-based badge of honour.

Yes, Vancouver is a tough city to hack it in. The rent is astronomical and even if you could afford a nice apartment, it doesn’t matter because they’re rare as decent paying, full-time work that won’t crush your soul. The struggle, as the millennials say, is real. So sure, it’s a little gauche to boast that you’re happily coasting by and couldn’t be happier, never really that busy and living off of one unpredictable pay cheque to the next. But that doesn’t mean you need to join their weird faux-busy club, which seems rather cultish—minus the fun of doing mind-altering drugs, swapping partners, and drinking the prefect’s bath water.

So how do you possibly respond? Well, you can lie and one-up them with tales your equally if not more busy lifestyle. You could even tell them to hold that thought as you have a really important email that requires your attention immediately, then whip out your phone. Or you can concede you’re less important and productive, before you tell this loser off.

Do so the latter at your own risk though. It’s very possible the main reason they’re telling you they’re busy is because they don’t have time for your overly critical, lazy ass.